I want to quit.

https://www.patreon.com/KAliceCompeau

I want to quit.

Lately, I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate what I do. I hate my personality. I hate my feelings. I hate everything about me. I feel like a failure, and I want to quit. Everything.

I thought about deleting this blog. I thought about moving all my novels and stories into the trash and deleting them forever. Deleting myself.

I’m even a failure at failing. I think about giving up on writing because I don’t feel like I need any more rejection in my life and what do I do? I write about it. Maybe I just need to give up on trying to be successful at writing in any way that would acknowledge me as a “real” writer and move on. I certainly don’t need any more trolls on Twitter questioning the fact that I’m a “writer” when I don’t write (as they see it), never considering the fact that pen names exist. And oh, I can’t possibly be a writer if I have a typo anywhere. Because being writer somehow makes you super-human and incapable of errors. Writers, after all, are never in need of those people called editors. We know it all. Isn’t that right?

I’m tired of the advice from writers and non-writers about how I should be writing more and not doing other things. And nothing is worse than the non-writers who are so sure they could write a book if they wanted to and feel the need to give me their little pearls of wisdom. This isn’t my first book. Every time I’ve tried to write in a way that isn’t part of my personal process, I’ve failed. I realize these people are all trying to help, but I still grow weary of hearing it all.

I’m paralyzed by the horrible fear that comes when I think about sharing anything I’ve written because I’m absolutely positive that it’s all shit. I’m shit.

When I think about finishing this book and querying agents, the joy is immediately sucked dry from my body. Working with a small press was a soul-crushing disappointment that left me feeling used and stupid. Those are the options, though, if I want to be a “real” writer.

I’m very close to finishing this book, but at this point, I just don’t care if I ever do.

I’ve, once again, moved into the shadows and I don’t really feel any desire to try to step out into the light. My heart is broken. My spirits are broken. I am broken. Most of all, I feel like I deserve to be a broken heap of nothing who will sit and wait until the moment I break down into fine dust and blow away.

I want to quit. But here I am–writing. And I’m sure, one day, bits of light will seep into my heart, get it pumping in an exciting rhythm again that gives me the heart to get up and keep trying.

Until then…*Sigh*

 

 

11 thoughts on “I want to quit.

  1. Please don’t. Please don’t stop. Please don’t hate yourself. Please don’t allow the naysayers to take away the joy writing used to bring you with their critical words and harsh comments. The world would be less beautiful if it lost your talent and the talent of many others who stopped sharing their words and dreams through the pen. You aren’t shit…shit doesn’t have thoughts and imagination and intrigue like you do. Shit is simply refuse…leftover dregs, and you, my friend are not the leftover dregs of anything. You are original and bright and you are doing what so many just wish they could do. Please don’t stop. Please. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You you have hated yourself; wanted to quit; wanted to stop; hating others and feel like a failure. Sylvia Plath, wrote, “A sickness, frenzy of resentment at everything but myself at the bottom.” Revel in your feelings as they are just that. They will leave. Hold fast!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good, you got that out. You are still writing. You are still following your passion. You aren’t paralyzed.

    I just listened to Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, and it’s very much about what you’re experiencing. Check it out; it may inspire you.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Ultimately, the choice is yours to quit or carry on. Choose a different path because it’s your choice. Not because of simple minded critics who lash out because they are jealous not to possess the creative energy and courage it takes to be a real writer. Which you are.

    Why write outside your personal experience? Because it is a creative challenge. And because, without writers who dare step into the unknown, we would be left with the same tired stories and points of view. Step outside personal experience knowing that the words you commit to the page can alter perception and stale thought.

    Keep on challenging yourself, and your readers. That is what a real writer does.

    You are the proof of that fact.

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s