Blog · Poems & Shorts · Sneak Peeks

Free

You held me.

Frozen in place

by nothing more

than your words.

Extremes of kindness

and anger.

Desperate

to please you.

Terrified

to enrage you.

Your silence more painful

than angry words could ever be.

But then new words told me

what you were doing to me.

Abuse.

Manipulation.

Feeding on my codependence.

My focus shifts

from longing for you

to working on loving me. 

Free.

dawn sunset beach woman
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Blog

I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist.

I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist and yet I had no idea.

In the beginning, I definitely had no inkling that this could be true. But I should have recognized it long before today. Maybe I was just ignorant that this type of person existed or perhaps I didn’t want to see.

According to the Association for Psychological Science for an everyday sadist, “cruelty can be pleasurable, even exciting. New research suggests that this kind of everyday sadism is real and more common than we might think.”

I honestly bought into the belief that I was “irrational” or that I twisted things around as they would tell me when I questioned their behavior or the contrary things they would often say. I began to hate myself and readily accepted the blame when our friendship went awry.

I tortured myself. I missed the friendship and wondered what exactly it was I did wrong to bring about the end. Once I started feeling normal again, POP, the return of my friend into my life–always on their timeline.

And everything was wonderful and fun again.

and began to fade.

and fade.

and the crumbling began.

Torment and tears again.

Heartbreak and sadness.

A return to normalcy.

POP!

Rinse. Repeat.

And every time I blamed myself. Accepted the blame, completely.

The Association for Psychological Science also says,  “Some find it hard to reconcile sadism with the concept of ‘normal’ psychological functioning, but our findings show that sadistic tendencies among otherwise well-adjusted people must be acknowledged,” says Buckels.  “These people aren’t necessarily serial killers or sexual deviants but they gain some emotional benefit in causing or simply observing others’ suffering.”

Even as I find this information and try to reconcile that I was used in a despicable way, I still desperately wish to be wrong and for the friendship to continue.

Does this make me an everyday masochist?

I don’t think so. I believe I’m just someone who mourns the friendship that I thought I had to begin with.

I’m suffering, but I don’t enjoy it.

I know now that I’m going to have to find a way to break free and realize that my friendship is worth more. I’m worth more.

Have you ever experienced anything like this and how did you break free?

Blog

What is success anyway?

Hello friends,

Nanowrimo (National Novel Writing Month – where writers try to write 50,000 words in one month) is upon us again. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to participate this year. I’ve done it a few times now–along with Camp Nano (which happens in April)–and I’ve lost sometimes, and I’ve won sometimes.

But what is winning? And what is losing?

I always thought I lost Nanowrimo if I didn’t make it to 50,000 words in one month but when I was debating whether or not I wanted to participate this time, I realized that even if I didn’t “win” I’d end up trying hard and I’d end up writing more than I would otherwise.

In the writing world, there’s a whole pile of people deciding what makes others successful.

So I’ve decided I really need to get every voice out of my head other than my own and those of writers who support one another no matter what. No matter the publishing path, level, genre, or background.

I’m participating in Nanowrimo. I’m already a winner.

I’m a winner because I want to write and share my stories and I’m taking the steps I need to do that.

What could ever be losing about that?

If you’re a writer or an aspiring writer and you start putting words on a page, congratulations to you! No matter who you are or what your end goals are, you’re brave and you’re a winner. With each attempt you’re getting closer to where you want to be. There are plenty of people who want to write a book and never even get started. It might take you a while but you’ll get there if you keep working.

Success!

rocky