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I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist.

I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist and yet I had no idea.

In the beginning, I definitely had no inkling that this could be true. But I should have recognized it long before today. Maybe I was just ignorant that this type of person existed or perhaps I didn’t want to see.

According to the Association for Psychological Science for an everyday sadist, “cruelty can be pleasurable, even exciting. New research suggests that this kind of everyday sadism is real and more common than we might think.”

I honestly bought into the belief that I was “irrational” or that I twisted things around as they would tell me when I questioned their behavior or the contrary things they would often say. I began to hate myself and readily accepted the blame when our friendship went awry.

I tortured myself. I missed the friendship and wondered what exactly it was I did wrong to bring about the end. Once I started feeling normal again, POP, the return of my friend into my life–always on their timeline.

And everything was wonderful and fun again.

and began to fade.

and fade.

and the crumbling began.

Torment and tears again.

Heartbreak and sadness.

A return to normalcy.

POP!

Rinse. Repeat.

And every time I blamed myself. Accepted the blame, completely.

The Association for Psychological Science also says,  “Some find it hard to reconcile sadism with the concept of ‘normal’ psychological functioning, but our findings show that sadistic tendencies among otherwise well-adjusted people must be acknowledged,” says Buckels.  “These people aren’t necessarily serial killers or sexual deviants but they gain some emotional benefit in causing or simply observing others’ suffering.”

Even as I find this information and try to reconcile that I was used in a despicable way, I still desperately wish to be wrong and for the friendship to continue.

Does this make me an everyday masochist?

I don’t think so. I believe I’m just someone who mourns the friendship that I thought I had to begin with.

I’m suffering, but I don’t enjoy it.

I know now that I’m going to have to find a way to break free and realize that my friendship is worth more. I’m worth more.

Have you ever experienced anything like this and how did you break free?

2 thoughts on “I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist.

  1. Hi Allie. Many of us experience things we shouldn’t have to in our lives. Some people like you to succeed unless you succeed above them. They compensate for themselves by making you upset, to gain superiority within their own minds, and relish in the suffering of others. They make false accusations, and cause trouble to delight in the chaos they cause. These are not your friends, they are parasites living off your insecurities, that they have caused. True friends never do that, they may give you an honest opinion, but it is done to help you, not hurt you, to make themselves feel superior.
    Through life friends may come and go, you outgrow them or they outgrow you, lives drift apart through work and family commitments. However true friends, you may not have seen for years and years will be there for you, when you need them most, even if oceans apart. Keep those in your heart, be open to new friendships, and reward yourself with those. No one can make you feel down unless you give them permission to do so.
    It is hard to do, to cut those off, so do it gradually, let it drift apart, refuse to let them control your feelings, most importantly don’t mourn a friendship based on an illusion that was only of benefit to them at the expense of your emotions.
    You deserve better, a lot better. Don’t let them trample your feelings, you are stronger than they realise, and your true friends, even if thousands of miles apart will improve your life, not detract from it.
    Take care,
    Sean x

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Sean. You’re absolutely right. I am struggling with letting go of the illusion. I’ve done some reading and soul-searching today and I feel like I’m in a better place. I appreciate all your words and support.

      Like

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