This has been an interesting week for me. Full of ups and dooooown(er)s.
I’ve accomplished a lot with my novel, and I’m moving forward at an incredible pace. Also, I’m discovering I really enjoy the story. I may get through draft four or five before I start getting sick of reading it. (You writers know what I’m talking about 😂) Another plus…I can see a great deal of improvement in my first draft over those of my previous novels. I correct/change a lot less (let’s hope it’s because I make fewer errors and not that I’ve gotten worse at editing. Ha! But I’m going to be positive this year. So we’re going with improved writing skills.)
I’ve still got a pretty severe case of imposter syndrome. I go from thinking that I’ve forgotten how to write to feeling like everything I write is complete crap anyway, and I don’t deserve to call myself a writer. But, as I’m trying to be positive this year, I thought about my imposter syndrome as I was walking and I realized it might be a good thing to have. After all, every writer I’ve ever exchanged chapters with that had (in my opinion) horrible stories/writing could not accept any criticism. The best I can figure is that they only trade work to gather praise and are confident that every word they write is gold. I have a hard time sharing (insert imposter syndrome here), but I appreciate constructive feedback. I got the most amazing (not because it was all positive) feedback from a beta reader (you know who you are!) and I feel better for clearly seeing my errors and being given the opportunity to fix them. Imposter Syndrome is good for me. It can be painful at times, but it makes me better and shouldn’t we all be trying to get better?
Another down of this week, I let an individual interfere with the way I feel about myself. I allowed them to reinforce my imposter syndrome by making me feel like the only reason anyone reads my stuff is my looks. Ugh! And maybe it was true for that person, and I’ve had things like this happen before. I even momentarily considered changing my name to A. Compeau or Al Compeau and putting up a male avi on my social media. Geez, I don’t owe anyone anything other than a story. I don’t have feelings for you. There isn’t anything “between us.” You may have noticed I stopped sharing book lines from Distant Spring while I was letting this person bother me. But I was quickly back to it.
To make it positive…
I realized I can’t change what other people think or do. I can’t even change how it makes me feel. So often people say, “don’t let it bother you” or “you shouldn’t care what other people think.” But I can’t help how things make me feel any more than I can help the things that others do. I can, however, turn that shit into fuel and let it drive me forward.
There is nothing wrong with the way I feel. There is nothing wrong with me. The reason I am the way I am is the same thing that makes me capable of doing the things that I do.
I won’t change me. Overall, I’m starting to love me.
But I will work to change the way I use what tries to drag me down.
Though I waver in feeling like I’ll ever be good enough, I firmly believe that I’m stubborn enough to do almost anything I set my mind to. It may take years and years, but I know I won’t give up! 2019 may be the year I see things start to happen, but if I don’t, I’m going to remember that every experience propels me closer to my goals.