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Shit into fuel

Hello friends,

This has been an interesting week for me. Full of ups and dooooown(er)s.

The ups…

I’ve accomplished a lot with my novel, and I’m moving forward at an incredible pace. Also, I’m discovering I really enjoy the story. I may get through draft four or five before I start getting sick of reading it. (You writers know what I’m talking about 😂) Another plus…I can see a great deal of improvement in my first draft over those of my previous novels. I correct/change a lot less (let’s hope it’s because I make fewer errors and not that I’ve gotten worse at editing. Ha! But I’m going to be positive this year. So we’re going with improved writing skills.)

The downs…

I’ve still got a pretty severe case of imposter syndrome. I go from thinking that I’ve forgotten how to write to feeling like everything I write is complete crap anyway, and I don’t deserve to call myself a writer. But, as I’m trying to be positive this year, I thought about my imposter syndrome as I was walking and I realized it might be a good thing to have. After all, every writer I’ve ever exchanged chapters with that had (in my opinion) horrible stories/writing could not accept any criticism. The best I can figure is that they only trade work to gather praise and are confident that every word they write is gold. I have a hard time sharing (insert imposter syndrome here), but I appreciate constructive feedback. I got the most amazing (not because it was all positive) feedback from a beta reader (you know who you are!) and I feel better for clearly seeing my errors and being given the opportunity to fix them. Imposter Syndrome is good for me. It can be painful at times, but it makes me better and shouldn’t we all be trying to get better?

Another down of this week, I let an individual interfere with the way I feel about myself. I allowed them to reinforce my imposter syndrome by making me feel like the only reason anyone reads my stuff is my looks. Ugh! And maybe it was true for that person, and I’ve had things like this happen before. I even momentarily considered changing my name to A. Compeau or Al Compeau and putting up a male avi on my social media. Geez, I don’t owe anyone anything other than a story. I don’t have feelings for you. There isn’t anything “between us.” You may have noticed I stopped sharing book lines from Distant Spring while I was letting this person bother me. But I was quickly back to it.

To make it positive…

I realized I can’t change what other people think or do. I can’t even change how it makes me feel. So often people say, “don’t let it bother you” or “you shouldn’t care what other people think.” But I can’t help how things make me feel any more than I can help the things that others do. I can, however, turn that shit into fuel and let it drive me forward.

There is nothing wrong with the way I feel. There is nothing wrong with me. The reason I am the way I am is the same thing that makes me capable of doing the things that I do.

I won’t change me. Overall, I’m starting to love me.

But I will work to change the way I use what tries to drag me down.

Though I waver in feeling like I’ll ever be good enough, I firmly believe that I’m stubborn enough to do almost anything I set my mind to. It may take years and years, but I know I won’t give up! 2019 may be the year I see things start to happen, but if I don’t, I’m going to remember that every experience propels me closer to my goals.

Cheers!

Allie.

Blog

2019 Writing Goals

Hello friends,

I allowed myself too many distractions in the month of December and barely got any writing done. I wanted to finish writing the first draft of my novel by the end of 2018 but barely wrote a chapter.

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So, I’m setting some goals for 2019 that I think should be attainable and hopefully surpassed.

My 2019 writing goals

  1. Finish writing at least 3 books
  2. Edit at least 3 books (they don’t have to be the same 3)
  3. Believe in myself a little more
  4. Put my writing time first
  5. Post regularly on this blog

That’s pretty much it!

What are your writing goals for 2019?

Wooo! Feeling motivated! Let’s do this!

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Why is receiving so hard?

Hello Friends,

Before I start this post I wanted to say thank you to all my followers. I just realized that I now have just over 200 followers! I’m sometimes surprised anyone cares what I have to say and to know that 200 of you decided to click “follow” on my blog touches my heart.

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So…Christmas is just a few days away and that got me thinking about gifts. I really love giving gifts. I love the moment when I find just the write thing to give someone. Seeing their face light up or hear the joy I brought them makes my day. I LOVE giving gifts.

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Receiving gifts, now that’s another story.

It makes me so uncomfortable and I don’t know why exactly. Maybe it’s because I don’t particularly like being the center of attention and I’m being looked at. Or it could be because I’m afraid I won’t react the way the person is hoping and I don’t want to let them down.

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I think if I lived my whole life and no-one ever gave me another gift again, I’d be okay with it.

Is it an aspect of my personality that makes me that way? I guess it could be.

I don’t mind giving my books away but when it comes to selling them, I feel sick over expecting to be paid.

Receiving praise or acknowledgment is difficult for me.

I’m horrible at asking for help. It takes a lot before I’ll do it. But I’m happy to help someone out if they need something.

If I go out with friends (even the closest friends that I’ve known for years) I’ll insist on paying for my own drinks or food if they offer but I’d love to pay for theirs.

I gave up my Patreon page even though I had a few patrons because I felt like I owed more than I was worth. Adding the tip jar to this blog floods me with overwhelming embarrassment. While I can tell myself that other artists get tips for what they do, deep inside I just feel like an undeserving imposter.

Maybe it’s about control. I don’t know. Is it selfish of me not to allow others the joy of giving that I enjoy so much?

Am I weird? Is it a personality thing or something we learn from our parents? My parents are both very giving people.

How do you feel about receiving and giving gifts?

 

Blog

The effects of Winter on my writing.

Hello friends,

Well, there’s one thing I know about myself as a writer for certain and that’s that I’m SO much less productive during winter. I think I’ve finally figured out why that is.

DARKNESS!

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You’d think I can’t go outside and walk or garden or one hundred million other things that might distract me from writing so I’d be bored and have so much time to write.

But I don’t.

It’s dark by five (which usually feels more like 8), and I feel like going to bed. I never feel like writing when I’m tired. Who does?

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I’m pretty positive that I don’t really mind the cold during winter. If I’m dressed appropriately (and let’s face it, winter fashion can be fabulously cute), it isn’t bothersome at all. And the snow…I adore it. Look at this video I made the last time it snowed. (Yes, I sometimes spend time doing things others might find weird and pointless 😂 But it was just so beautiful, I wanted to hang on to the feeling I had during this snowfall)

(If the video takes too long to load you can watch it on YOUTUBE by clicking here)

 

Snow is beautiful and magical! I remember being a little kid in the back seat of the car while my dad drove on snowy nights. I’d stare out the front window at the snow zooming toward us and swooping upwards at the last moment, memorized. It was like flying through space on warp speed in a movie. Amazing!

Now that I know it’s the darkness that gets me down, I’m going to make sure I write earlier in the day. I’m going to keep taking my vitamin D, and I’m not going to get down on myself when I’m in a writing slump.

Spring will return and so will feverish fingers that can’t tap the words away on the keyboard fast enough!

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Blog

Control your content

Hello friends,

Sometimes my writing journey feels like this…

Wooo! It’s easy to feel like I’m getting absolutely nowhere. But I’m determined AF, and so when I come to a realization, I like to share it so that you can move an inch or so forward with me.

Here’s what I want to say…

ONLY SHARE YOUR WORK ON YOUR WEBSITE.

Now I’m not talking about writing guests posts or publishing poems or articles in magazines. I’m talking about using sites like Patreon, Wattpad, Chapterbuzz, or any other such site. But Allie, you say, you’ve used these sites?

Why yes, my darlings, I have, and that’s why I urge you not to use them. I have three main reasons why and here they are:

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Reason One: Those sites are a time suck. I spent so much time working on my Patreon, Wattpad, and Chapterbuzz accounts that I neglected my blog, my poetry, and my novels. In order to find any readers, you have to scratch other writers’ backs to get them to scratch yours. This is to basically falsely inflate your numbers to make it look like you have a lot of readers. It’s getting the sheep to follow a buzz you’ve manufactured. I wish people thought for themselves and dug to find writing they like but really they (not all but a lot)  follow the crowd. Therefore, you have to spend more of your writing time fabricating some buzz. (Patreon actually recommends you find creators to mutually support to grow your numbers. But it’s all false! I want REAL followers.)

Reason Two: Every time you post to these sites and then share via your social media, you’re drawing potential new readers to an external site. Why not draw them to your own? Showcase yourself and your kick-ass website, not someone else’s.

Reason Three: Your readers are yours to keep (as long as you keep them entertained.) Why work so hard to grow the followings of Wattpad, Patreon, or Chapterbuzz when they can decide to kick you off at any moment? If they don’t like or agree with something you wrote, they can boot you. Let’s face it, sharing ideas or stories freely in this day and age is dangerous business. I also don’t want to support any websites who silence anyone who disagrees with a CEO’s political or personal views. I know some may applaud the silencing but remember, one day they may come for you, too, dear writer. Free is free. And on my own website, I’m free to be me.

So, while it might take me longer to find readers, I’m still finding them. It may be a long process, but I’m in for the long haul because writing is my passion.

I’m grateful to all of you who have followed this blog, signed up for my newsletter, leave comments, and have purchased my books. You’re amazing! I will continue to share chapters of my works-in-progress under the sneak peeks tab.

And remember, you can find the link to purchase my books on the books tab or by clicking here or here to purchase a signed copy.

If you’ve read my books, I’d like to ask you to leave a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads. Reviews go a long way in helping indie authors like me to find new readers.

I’m going to keep on putting one word after another and I have no doubt that I’ll grow a following of readers who connect them.

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Thanks!

Allie

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Blog

Christmas Movie Time

Thanksgiving is over and it’s starting to feel like Christmas to me.

The movies I love to watch every Christmas season are:

Christmas Vacation

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A Christmas Story

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Little Women (1994 version)

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Elf

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A Christmas Carol (The Muppet version)

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Home Alone (1&2)

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The Family Stone

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Miracle on 34th Street (the 1947 version only)

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White Christmas

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The Polar Express

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A Charlie Brown Christmas

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About A Boy

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The Grinch (the old cartoon version only)

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Love Actually

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Any old Disney Christmas short (like the one where Chip and Dale get in Mickey’s house via the Christmas tree and drive Pluto nuts.)

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The Man who Invented Christmas (A recent addition. I identified with this movie so much ❤️ Ahh, the process)

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That’s my list (no, I didn’t forget It’s A Wonderful Life. I simply dislike it.)

What movies do you like to watch at Christmastime?

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Is this the spirit of Christmas?

Hello Friends,

I always wait until the day after Thanksgiving to start decorating for Christmas. As I fished out this incredible ceramic tree circa 1980 that my mom gave me last year, I thought about all the people that were out Black Friday shopping.

When I was a kid, I don’t remember hearing about Black Friday shopping or ghastly news stories of store employees being trampled to death by selfish, monster shoppers.

I remember my mom making gifts & the recipients being thrilled to be given homemade gifts–appreciating all the work my mom put in it.

By the way, here is a picture of the ceramic tree I put up today. Now not only is it homemade but it’s used and old and I couldn’t have been more thrilled to receive it as a gift last year.

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What has changed? Are we all so much more materialistic than we used to be?

I’m disgusted, to be honest. People don’t even wait until black friday anymore, they start shopping elbowing, punching, (and did I hear, this year, shooting) their fellow human beings for more crap they don’t need on Thanksgiving eve now.

With bellies full of undigested feasts, these people–who should be grateful–transform into ungrateful, greedy beasts.

I would remind everyone of the grinch and the story of the Whos down in Whoville…

“And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow,
stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled ’till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn’t come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

But with the new Grinch movie peddling Honda cars I’m not sure the story holds up anymore. I think we may be broken and have reached the point of no return. Maybe I’m a grinch whose heart won’t grow but I’m pretty sure if we were to give people gifts that didn’t come from the store, we’d be met with crinkled noses and bows stomped into the floor.

What do you think? Is there hope?

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!

I am so grateful for everyone who has followed my blog. I’ve seen some wonderful growth this year and I’m looking forward to charging ahead and moving even closer to my goals.

I’m also grateful for everyone who has bought one of my books or left a like or comment on one of my poems or early-draft chapters. The support and feedback means a lot to me.

I have wonderful family and friends who make me smile everyday.

I am one lucky so-and-so!

Thank you! I appreciate you all! 🧡 My heart overflows with joy this Thanksgiving.

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Listen to yourself.

Hello friends,

I’m a little late on putting out my weekly post. I’ve been busy all month, and I decided to be lazy over the weekend. It felt great, and I feel refreshed.

I have lots of words to make up for NaNoWriMo, but I still feel like I’m going to complete the 50,000-word goal by the end of the month. I know some people that insist that writers must write every day but as I’ve said before, I disagree with that.

While I was taking my break, I thought about my story and what would happen. I jotted down a few notes in the margins. In those ways, I was still working on my novel. Not adding to my word count didn’t put me behind because I know where I’m going and I feel like I want to go there now.

I think it works for some people to chip away at their stories slowly every day. Some of us, though, work internally on our stories for a while before it’s all ready to spill out. We may end up writing as much or more than we would if we forced the words out slowly. It’s like everything else, we need to listen to our bodies and spirits. We know what’s best for us and drowning out other voices is an important thing to learn in the creative process.

Okay, I’ve got words to catch up on. Cheers!

Allie

Please visit my Amazon author page, check out my books, and consider buying one by clicking here.

Listen to yourself

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Blog · Poems & Shorts · Sneak Peeks

Free

You held me.

Frozen in place

by nothing more

than your words.

Extremes of kindness

and anger.

Desperate

to please you.

Terrified

to enrage you.

Your silence more painful

than angry words could ever be.

But then new words told me

what you were doing to me.

Abuse.

Manipulation.

Feeding on my codependence.

My focus shifts

from longing for you

to working on loving me. 

Free.

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