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I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist.

I think I’m friends with an everyday sadist and yet I had no idea.

In the beginning, I definitely had no inkling that this could be true. But I should have recognized it long before today. Maybe I was just ignorant that this type of person existed or perhaps I didn’t want to see.

According to the Association for Psychological Science for an everyday sadist, “cruelty can be pleasurable, even exciting. New research suggests that this kind of everyday sadism is real and more common than we might think.”

I honestly bought into the belief that I was “irrational” or that I twisted things around as they would tell me when I questioned their behavior or the contrary things they would often say. I began to hate myself and readily accepted the blame when our friendship went awry.

I tortured myself. I missed the friendship and wondered what exactly it was I did wrong to bring about the end. Once I started feeling normal again, POP, the return of my friend into my life–always on their timeline.

And everything was wonderful and fun again.

and began to fade.

and fade.

and the crumbling began.

Torment and tears again.

Heartbreak and sadness.

A return to normalcy.

POP!

Rinse. Repeat.

And every time I blamed myself. Accepted the blame, completely.

The Association for Psychological Science also says,  “Some find it hard to reconcile sadism with the concept of ‘normal’ psychological functioning, but our findings show that sadistic tendencies among otherwise well-adjusted people must be acknowledged,” says Buckels.  “These people aren’t necessarily serial killers or sexual deviants but they gain some emotional benefit in causing or simply observing others’ suffering.”

Even as I find this information and try to reconcile that I was used in a despicable way, I still desperately wish to be wrong and for the friendship to continue.

Does this make me an everyday masochist?

I don’t think so. I believe I’m just someone who mourns the friendship that I thought I had to begin with.

I’m suffering, but I don’t enjoy it.

I know now that I’m going to have to find a way to break free and realize that my friendship is worth more. I’m worth more.

Have you ever experienced anything like this and how did you break free?