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The downs are beating the ups.

The downs are beating the ups.

I try to be pretty honest on this blog about my feelings and my writing journey, and I have to say, this morning I’m pretty pissed and hurt.

I started a Patreon page as a way to share some of my work and my writing process with people who may have enjoyed my writing here or have enjoyed my humor on Twitter. Recently, I had a patron sign up and then treat me like I owed them more… like I owed them a relationship on a personal level.

I can’t tell you how hurtful it was to realize that someone didn’t give a shit about my work but expected that their money purchased me. I feel disrespected. I don’t mind being nice. In fact, it’s the way I prefer to treat people, but people take advantage of kindness, don’t they?

I already have a hard time believing that I have any talent and it felt like a kick in my already uneasy gut.

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Social media is excellent for connecting with readers, but it also opens us up to be hurt by people with creepy intentions.

So if any of you are interested in the way I look and not what I have to say, I don’t need you. I’m going to keep working, keep on trying. I’m going to keep on writing because it’s what I love to do. I’m even going to keep on being kind. But I’m also going to set limits and not feel as though I have to be extra nice to people who may or may not be pretending to support my work.

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I lost a friend.

I lost a friend.

Recently, I lost a friend, a friend I wanted to keep in my life forever. But there was a problem–one I was unable to overcome. I lost the trust I had for this friend. They hurt me, more than once. And since I loved them,  I tried to forgive. I tried to forget. I worked to trust them again but I couldn’t. I was suspicious of every word they said and the way their actions made me feel, even if their explanation was reasonable. But you can’t have a real friendship without trust, can you?

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I don’t blame this person. We all make mistakes. I wish I could have figured out a way to trust again, but I just don’t know how and for that reason, I know that I share the responsibility for the ending of our friendship. I don’t often let people get that close to me, and I’m sure in the future I’ll be that much more guarded about who I let in. My heart will always have a small crack that will never heal from their absence, but it’s better to live with that crack than to feel like my heart is being dragged around and stomped on–even if it isn’t.

I’m sorry.

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INFP me.

INFP me.

I’ll never forget the first time I took the Myers-Briggs Personality test and learned I was an INFP. It was a little creepy how well the test knew me, but it was also a relief to read that there are others out there like me. Even though I tend to be a loner, I felt so much less alone.

To be honest, I’ve always been embarrassed by the way I am. I remember always crying at movies when others didn’t, desperately trying to stop the tears from forming then falling, and when they did, quickly trying to wipe them away before others saw. One time, when I was little, I vividly remember watching an episode of Highway to Heaven. In the episode, a homeless boy wishes that someone would love him, Jonathan comes to him to make his wish come true. It had a happy ending. I cried and cried. My sister laughed. Her laughter stung.

I learned to be embarrassed by who I am. “Too idealistic, too altruistic, impractical, taking things personally, and hard to get to know” these are the weaknesses of the INFP.  These are my weaknesses.

Yes, I am hard to get to know, and it takes a long time before I show people the real me. There are only a handful of people who truly know me. So when I finally let someone in, and they disappoint idealistic me, it hurts immensely.

I’m so thankful to be a writer. I could let the pain and shame about how I react consume me. But now, I take to the page and turn all the negative feelings I have for myself into works that I’m proud of.

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Do you know your personality type?

Are you an INFP, like me? How do you work through your “weaknesses?”

You can find out more about the INFP personality type here

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